While I sometimes wonder how you’ve been getting along since I’ve left, I think back to all of the great and joyous times we’ve shared. That time you treated us to a concert, the countless times we went out to eat, accompanied by the seemingly endless beers. The late night hang outs and therapy sessions, spilling out our personal drama over one too many bottles of wine. The heartfelt and vivacious snorts, laughing so hard that tears began to form at the corners of your eyes. It was invigorating, someone like you being genuinely interested in myself while having so much in common. The amount of support and encouragement you showed me- something I had never experienced before- it was intoxicatingly addictive.

Being a part of your life, your world… it was like a glimpse into what my future could be like, had I continued down that path. A role model, you were everything I didn’t want but needed; and then some. You weren’t perfect, and that was the whole point, the entire reason why I was drawn to you. On the outside, a perfect wholesome story, the “American Dream” that everyone and their dog knows about. Very few know you on the inside; the tales of the broken, trauma stricken, heartache, pain and suffering. Through it all you managed to accomplish the amazing things that you did. Still full of love, and hope, passion, and sharing it with everyone you meet along the way, genuinely wanting to connect with others.

It didn’t take very long to learn how to read your body language; your eyebrows furrow when you brainstorm. You grimace… a tell tale sign that you do not agree with a particular thought or idea. The look you would give when I needed to be seen and not heard. The determination you exhibit when there is a task to accomplish…inspiring. I noticed how you acted around specific people, wondering what it was that made you want to refrain from your natural demeanor. We became so close, you would come up with an idea, trying to describe it to me. I would listen, somehow understanding despite the lack of clarity, and repeat it back to you in a way that everyone would understand. That sort of connection does not just happen, it means something.

As much as I wanted to keep building myself in your image, it’s not who I am meant to be. As I craved for your approval and opinions, a riff opened, a new manifestation which threw me off that path. It’s not totally your fault; I was trying to define who I was. Eventually, the “who I was” and the “who I wanted to be” were completely different; contradicting even. The delusion I was in, despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise, began to wear off. I woke up to find myself in the middle of a nightmare; the same one I once thought was the answer to my dreams.

The last trip we were on together, I tried to get you to understand why I was struggling so. It was after dinner, on our 2nd or 3rd drink, the sun was in my face, warm and comforting. Between words, tears began to spill; right there, sitting outside near the front entrance of the brewery. I divulged my fears, hoping for some insight or some comforting words. You cried with me; not as much as I, but there were tears in your eyes. I could tell you shared in my pain, my uncertainty, wanting to help but unsure of what to say or how. I know communication isn’t your strong suit. You did what you felt was right, and even though your words affected me differently than you had intended, your response did help me. Even though the initial conversation at the time didn’t seem hopeful, as I look back, it was a pivotal moment; the fork in the road where we went separate ways.

When I saw you last, you were surprised to see me. I could tell by your comment that you probably didn’t want there. To be completely honest, I didn’t even want to come. I no longer felt welcome yet I was begged by everyone else to join. I sensed you had something on your mind, that you were upset, as you lingered around. Sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed. I knew in part it was because of me, yet also towards yourself. I too, had things I wanted to say, yet I refrained. We let each other down by having too high of an expectation for each other, rather than being ourselves. I am hopeful for the next time we cross paths; maybe then we can share what we wanted to say.

Have you ever experienced a relationship like this?